new year, new… whatever.

So, 2017 is here and I’m… Suspicious. Everything is still the same but somehow different. So far so good, so when are things going to go wrong? 2016 is FINALLY over, and the bar for a better year has never been set lower. I’m afraid to think how a new year could possibly be any worse than last year was, but you never know.

I spent Christmas with my family, mom and my grandparents, and it was nice. There was this one mishap, though, because for a moment there I thought my depression had come back. I felt terrible for a few days, like I was completely worthless, and something was honestly wrong with me because history was repeating itself. Again. I won’t get in to the details here, and I guess I’m still not completely over it, because I feel like I should seriously just stop getting my hopes up. It never ends well, like I’m not supposed to have good things coming my way.

On a lighter (ahh lol) note, I quit smoking. I just stopped. It was surprisingly easy, I did get a few cravings here and there but as of right now, I haven’t smoked in 115 hours. That’s 4 days, 19 hours and counting. I don’t imagine myself never smoking again but I wanted to quit now, because why not? I don’t even have proper motivation, I mean sure it’ll save me money and smoking is so very unhealthy but you know what made me finally quit? I was at a NYE party and I drunkenly announced that I was quitting, and this one person laughed at me and said I couldn’t do it.  “Watch me.” is my main motivation. Also cigarettes cost like a thousand dollars in Australia and I really want to spend my money better than that but you know. Watch me.

I’m going to a travel fair in Helsinki later this month with a friend of mine. I’ve never been to the fair and the company I’m going to be using for my travels won’t be represented there, but I still want to see what the fuzz is all about. I’m not exactly sure what there is to do at the fair, all I know is that there’s going to be loads of different travel agencies and they have these little booths where you can learn about.. Stuff. I don’t know what exactly, that’s why I’m going!
The friend is the same one who I invited to go with me to Australia. I’m not sure if she agreed to go or not, but she’s definitely interested and I can see that she really wants to come. I guess it all comes down to money, I’m ready to go alone but it would be nice to have some company. I feel like I’ve gotten my hopes up, and that terrifies me.

Uhh what else..? I’m seeing my therapist next week! I haven’t seen her in three months but to be honest, it makes no difference. I don’t think she’s the best therapist for me, I don’t really open up to her and I feel like I know more about her than she knows about me, but I take what I can get. It took me a year to reach out for professional help and I guess this is better than nothing. I’ve also been selected to be in a test group for a new form of online therapy, it’s starting in a couple of weeks and since I don’t have to pay for it, why not?

“Why not?” is something I’m going to be asking myself a lot this year. If there’s something I want to do but keep making up excuses not to do it, I ask myself “why not?” I’m so used to putting myself down and preventing myself from doing things I want by thinking of ways it might go wrong.
Just yesterday I wanted to go out for a walk, but because it was below freezing (-20°C / -4°F) I told myself that it’ll be too cold, it’ll be such a hassle to get dressed appropriately, it’s going to take ages to get the shoes on my dog’s feet and they’ll probably fall off and it’ll just be all kinds of terrible. But then I thought, I want to go outside. Why not? It’s what I want to do so I’m making it happen. I put on two pairs of socks, two pairs of pants, three shirts and a big winter jacket. I spent centuries getting my dog all dressed up and I went for that walk and I loved it. I loved how crisp the air was and the crunching sound the snow made. Everything was shimmering, I felt happy, my dog was happy and everything was just so worth the hassle.

This year “why not”, “eh, fuck it” and “watch me” are going to be my motivational words to get things done. Watch me.

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